Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

2 men walk into a bar....

ouch

*ba dum dum tssshhh*

There are three chickens, A normal chicken, a retarded chicken, and a gay chicken. The normal chicken says Cocka Doodle Doo the Retarded chicken says Doodle Doodle Cock, The gay chicken says Any Cockle do!

2 old ladies standing on the beach when a naked man walks past
One of the old ladies has a stroke
The other couldn't quite reach
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Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."
----------------------------------------------------

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I just got told this, i think its funny...... there is 2 prests and the 1 boss prest, these 3 prests die in a car crash..... they are at heavens gates, and the god guy, says "you must answer one question too pass!" and the prests say "okey dokie!" so the first prest goes up 2 the god guy and his question is "what was the name of the first guy on the earth?" the prest says "that would be adam" the prest walks through the gate..... the second prest goes up 2 the god guy, the prests question is "who is the first woman on earth" the prest says "erm... eve!" she walks through! then the boss prest walks up, and the god guy says "your question must be harder" the prest nods her head! her question is "what was the first thing eve said to adam?" and the boss prest says "OMG... now thats a hard one!" and the god guy says "wow, uve got it right, you may pass"...... sorry it was sooo long guys!

:twisted:

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree?
One is legal to hit with an AX.
What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?
I don't know why they didn't either.
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
What is pink and red and sits in a corner?
A baby chewing on razor blades.
What is green and sits in a corner?
The same baby, six weeks later.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker?
You don't get second looks when you're writing with a felt tip marker!
How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?
Making a bong out of it
How do you get a baby out of a tree?
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!
What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.
Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?
So you can pick them up five at a time
What's grosser than gross?
A garbage can full of dead babies.
What's grosser than that?
The one at the bottom is still alive.
What's grosser than that?
He has to eat his way to freedom.
What's grosser than that?
He goes back for more.
Why did the toddler drop it's lollipop?
It was hit by a truck.

*bows* :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Three men who were lost in a jungle on a desert island were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a simple trial.
The first step of the trial was to go to into the jungle and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went their separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Intersting jokes there sworn :shock:

QUOTE(SWORN ENEMY):twisted:  

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?  
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.  
How many babies does it take to paint a house?  
Depends how hard you throw them.  
What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree?  
One is legal to hit with an AX.  
What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?  
Stopping it with a shovel.  
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?  
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.  
Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?  
I don't know why they didn't either.  
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?  
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.  
What is pink and red and sits in a corner?  
A baby chewing on razor blades.  
 
What is green and sits in a corner?  
The same baby, six weeks later.  
 
What's the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker?  
You don't get second looks when you're writing with a felt tip marker!  
How are babies and the elderly alike?  
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.  
What's worse than smoking pot with a baby?  
Making a bong out of it  
How do you get a baby out of a tree?  
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!  
What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?  
You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.  
Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads?  
So you can pick them up five at a time  
What's grosser than gross?  
A garbage can full of dead babies.  
 
What's grosser than that?  
The one at the bottom is still alive.  
 
What's grosser than that?  
He has to eat his way to freedom.  
 
What's grosser than that?  
He goes back for more.  
 
Why did the toddler drop it's lollipop?  
It was hit by a truck.  

*bows*  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:
They are fuckin awsome, im still fuckin laughin, wow

QUOTE(Wozza)Yep was done a while back by me but wasn't so popular back then.
What's black and sits in a wheelchair at the top of the stairs?






Stephen hawkings in a burning house. Meh..
HA HA HA WOZZA A tiny bit harsh but fuckin hell... made me laffxxxx

Oh my gosh, these are all sooo hillarious!!!
:shock: The baby one.....that made me want to gauge out my eyes, throw up my insides, and cry.